They got to the Firkin on Oxford Road about seven. There were five in total: three men and two women. They were either just out of university or in their final year.
The composition of the group was significant because there was one single girl and two single men. Ben and James would be competing for the attentions of Louisa, the unattached girl of the company. Throughout university the two men had been sexual failures – which was not surprising, as they had no interest in women except as opportunities for social status and a fleeting relief of their desires. Even in their early twenties they knew the end was coming. An end to hedonism and all pretensions to be something better than they were. Student life was over and soon they would have to look for work. The nine-to-five would limit their already slim chances of carnal release.
Adam was at the bar with their drink orders. Adam was temping on an IT helpdesk but he had a job for the New Year, as a graduate trainee on the Conservative Party’s policy unit. He was arguing with his girlfriend about the new incapacity benefit laws, an initiative to force the frail and mentally unstable into low-paid temporary work.
‘LISTEN TO ME. EXISTING CLAIMENTS WILL NOT HAVE THEIR BENEFITS STOPPED – THERE ARE NAY CIRCUMSTINCES UNDER WHICH THAT WILL HAPPEN!’
Adam’s girlfriend turned to the others. ‘Have you all signed Vanessa’s birthday card?’
‘Yeah. Where’s she gaying?’
‘Starting off in the Sandbar, then on to Jilly’s.’
‘Ugh. I couldn’t imagine a worse crawl,’ said James. ‘No fitties in those places.’
‘I know, and you’d think she’d see sense. Last time she went to Rackworld she met those guys from that band, the Killers. She went back to theirs for an afterparty and ended up giving one of them a blayjob. The bassist was filming it on his camera phone and it ended up on the internet. Vanessa was absolutely mortified.’
Louisa said, ‘It was her own fault really. She drinks too many cheeky Vimtos. John was really upset about it, he’s only been going out with her for six weeks.’
‘Yeah, John must be well embarrassed,’ said Ben, who’d seen – and masturbated over – the relevant footage.
The hilarity broke when Adam handed out the drinks. The bar was packed and both pool tables were occupied. Ben went to put some coins on the table while James went over to the trivia machines.
‘I haven’t seen this one before,’ James said to a passing barman. He indicated a black, dusty-looking machine with gothic script on the faded chrome. ‘Darwin’s Choice’.
‘Only came in last weekend,’ said the barman. ‘Karl picked it up off one of those travelling guys in Fairholme. Got it for an absolute song cause it was cursed.’
‘Cursed?’
‘Yeah, ‘pparently. Karl says to the guy that we need a new trivia machine. This gypo guy says, you can have that for two hundred, but I gotta tell you, it’s fuckin cursed. I don’t want you buying it now and then coming back to me complaining that it’s got a curse on it. I gotta let you know. Fair credit to him. So Karl says, I’m desperate for a machine, I’ll take my chances on it.’
‘Fair credit to the gypo,’ James said, putting a pound into the machine. This was an extravagance: all five of them were poor and pathologically mean with money. Louisa moved closer to James as he read the screen.
The Game of Life
Look back. You have
wasted and abused the
greatest gift of all, the
gift of mortal existence.
Is it too late to change?
Find out now! HI SCORE:
Barry, Royal Scot (343)
|
Player, select your game.
The Game of Love
You have never truly
connected with another
human being. You see
relationships as a game
of status and power. Will
romance find you tonight?
HI SCORE: Dave, The
Exclusion (47)
|
The Game of Death
You will die one day. But
have you ever really lived?
It's happening already.
If you got hit by a bus
tomorrow, would anyone
mourn - or even notice?
Find out now! (TEXTPLAY:
TEXT ‘DEATH’ TO 4227)
|
‘Bit creepy,’ Louisa said.
Ben noted the way her hand rested on his forearm. He was suddenly sure that James was going to win their battle. He was known as the alpha male of the group because he’d pulled three students this year, all of whom were so drunk they could barely spell their names.
Some whiny, narcissistic indie music came on the jukebox. Adam’s voice rang above it, involved in some argument over the other side of the room: ‘THE TRIBBLE WITH RICHARD DAWKINS AND ALL THESE ATHE-ESTS IS THAT THEY ARE JUST LIKE THE FUNDAMINTALISTS! THEIR ATHE-ISM IS ANITHER FORM OF FUNDAMINTALISM!’
James punched the middle option.
Which great American novel ends with the words, ‘And so we beat on, boats against the current... borne back ceaselessly into the past’?’
A
Lie Down in Darkness
|
B
The Great Gatsby
|
C
Huckleberry Finn
|
‘Feck, I dayn’t knay this,’ said James, abstractly punching the A. The machine gave a low electronic rumble. Louisa had lost interest and was texting someone.
James punched the C. The front of the machine slid back to reveal a set of whirring blades that locked around his waist. In a matter of seconds the blades had dragged James into the machine. There were screams, but not many. The doors slid shut and the machine played an electronic ‘wah-wah-wahhh’ tune as a relay of lights scittered across its screen.
Louisa looked up. ‘Vanessa’s in the Kro, wants us all to – hey, what happened to James?’
‘The machine just sort of ate him,’ Ben said.
‘Oh my god, I can’t believe that machine just ate James,’ Louisa said. ‘How rude!’ She called the barman over.
‘Yeah well, I told your mate it was cursed,’ he said, indicating a sign on the machine’s side:
Patrons are advised not to use the ‘Darwin’s Choice’ games
machine, as it is cursed. Staff will not be held responsible for any
injury, bloodshed, maiming or dismemberment resulting from its use.
Thank You
THE MANAGEMENT
‘Well I think that’s just wrong,’ said Louisa.
The barman shrugged. He couldn’t see the big deal. Some student disappears. Not exactly a shortage of them, was there? He dispatched a glass collector to mop the blood from the wooden floor.
Ben, too, was unshaken by the death. It meant that he was running unopposed for Louisa’s affections. Ben had heard that the government were about to introduce a new law allowing men to be prosecuted if they had sex with women too drunk to give consent. He headed off to get Louisa a vodka and coke before it was too late.
Adam walked over, finishing off an argument or anecdote.
‘AND SO I SAID TO THIS GUY: IT’S YOUR LINE MANEGER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO ADEQUATELY LAYNE MANAGE HIS STAFF! GAME, SET AND MATCH!’
He asked where James was.
‘The machine, like, ate him,’ Louisa said.
Adam scrutinised the console. ‘HA HA HA LOUISA! HEY, I’VE GOT A KNACK FOR THESE THINGS. SOMEONE GET ME SOME COIN.’
The next night, a new game had appeared on the Darwin’s Choice machine.
Max Dunbar
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